*
My mind has been so compartmentalized lately. Dividing my brain for all my thoughts is exhausting. Keeping everything separate: my music project from my painting project, prospective video concepts from prospective writing concepts, the various future endeavors and the various future bills I will undoubtedly incur. I’m sick of keeping it all separated. I’m just gonna brand it all the same from now on. Hi I’m Zaccy & I make Art.

I’m tired of my mind feeling like a puzzle.
I thought maybe by keeping everything separated it would somehow be more organized.
…But it really just slowed me down and overwhelmed me.

I guess while I kept it all divided it was like “Oh fuck, man, I’ve got lyrics to write and an album to record and all these paintings to do and build my website and buy equipment and pay my rent and write a book and learn photography and produce a indie porn art music documentary film and design merch and register my business and study tax laws start promoting myself and determine prices and distribution and still manage to wank three times a day!”

& that’s not even the half of it.
I don’t want to look at it like that anymore.
I’m just going to consider it all the same thing from now on.

Being a self employed starving artist is a bitch, but honestly it is so rewarding too. Doing all of this on my own has been an uphill battle, with several headaches and road-blocks, but it’s so amazing having things to look forward to and doing what I love. My only hope is that people will be receptive to it and peel back every layer and see the beauty in it all. There is no career guide for an Artist. I imagine it’s like hijacking a plane. You have to learn fast, try hard as hell to stay awake and focused and pray you don’t crash and burn before reaching a safe place to re-fuel. But there is no safe place when you hijack a plane, you’ll always have people judging you and your social life will undoubtedly suffer the consequences of your alternative lifestyle; and for an Artist it’s just the same. Especially one who isn’t established yet. I really don’t feel comfortable when people say “Where do you work?” and I say “I’m an artist.” and they just give me a half-hearted smile and say “…cool.” – as if being an artist is some easy silly thing. & then on the other hand I have so few friends. I haven’t seen my best friend in over two weeks. I’ve put up a hermit shell various times in my life, and part of it right now is the exhaustion of my mind.

Fuck, no it’s not easy being an artist. Being an artist is like being a poor defenseless child being taken from it’s drunken mother. But I love it. I love the spontaneity, no limits, and even moments like this where my wallet is empty and I am absolutely surprised I have a roof over my head. My life is an adventure and I’m the Ash Fucking Ketchum of the United States of America. Someone once told me “Never give up the fucking dream”. I’d do good to remember that. I can’t wait to be able to pay my bills with a painting.

Okay this has been a lovely therapy session but I’ve really got to get some sleep.
Cheers! -Zaccy

*Did you know that was even a word? I didn’t, I was looking up random synonyms for, well, ‘Random’.

Anyways, it’s approximately 9:15p.m. and my roommates are asleep; one of them works at 4a.m. but I am wide awake. This entry isn’t about anything in particular, so if you are so inclined to continue reading:
Hello, I’m Prince Zaccy. Welcome to my magical evening adventure of nothingness.

I’ve got so many projects I’m working on and conceptualizing, some people might (or might not) be surprised I have for some time now been flirting with the idea of writing a book. I know that is probably the last commitment I need to make right now, and of course I wouldn’t begin to know where to start; though, it does sound romantic does it not? Imagine if I added “Novelist” right next to “Musician” and “Artist” on my list of shamelessly-self-given titles? …How obnoxiously ambitious that pursuit would be.

I get most pensive late at night. I use colorful words like ‘pensive’. On a side note, my roommates are actually not sleeping; there is clearly some penetration occurring across the hallway. Did I ever mention how quiet my residence is? I can hear absolutely everything.

Sometimes my mind is all over the place. Like right now, I’m day-dreaming (or, evening-dreaming?) about the future. I would love to start a band. What is wrong with me? I generally despise people, but how amazing would it be to be on a stage at a Gay Pride event with a cute boy playing his heart out on piano while I sing? …If I ever get the opportunity I would love to tour.

I think I’m really lonely right now. Not that I want anybody to talk to, just to touch. It’s hard being in a long-distance relationship, but it is also nice to have something to look forward to. I can’t wait to be with my boy, …I am in dire need of some Physical Therapy. Being alone is nice, my mind is clear and I am focused; but, I confess there is a void in me spiritually that just wants to hold somebody close and never let go. It’s strange how I feel this way now. I’m so in love. A little over a year ago I thought I would never trust anybody again. But wounds heal. I’ve healed. And I have every intention of marrying this boy.

One thing about being so far from my boy is that I have found a new appreciation for my body. There are some things you are more aware of when you are alone. I’ve started using lubricant when I wank. I’ve switched hands. I’m more aware of the simple things like my muscles and my breathing. I take my time. And most importantly, I love myself. I never thought I’d type those words. I have struggled with a lot of self-loathing in the past, and there are certainly improvements to be made, but something in me has changed in the past year… I think when you’re in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like you’re not enough, not attractive, you start to see yourself that way. I think when you find that person that loves you unconditionally, that you yourself can love yourself unconditionally. It’s an amazing feeling, and I wish I could make everyone feel this way.

Well I certainly didn’t expect to get all sentimental on you in this post.
I really hope that my roommates are finished; because I have to go pee.

-Zaccy

*The album is slowly coming together, and I’m happy to say it’s quite cohesive. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a ‘concept-album’. But I will say that the tracks do flow together quite nicely. It’s actually a really good thing too because the songs are so scattered, about different people and situations, that I had been worried it wouldn’t easily hold up as a single piece of work. But, somehow it’s all fallen into place.

There are 5 demos (fully done with lyrics and instrumental) and 2 other tracks (that are yet to have lyrics) which I know for certain will be on the album. I know I’ve been a bit distant with everyone lately and I thought it would be proper to share some comments about the songs.

“Dorian” – This song has one of the best instrumentals and lyrics I’ve written. It’s one of the louder electronic tracks (with a fucking great synth bass during the chorus). It’s a recollection of an evening I met the most beautiful, and arrogant, person I ever met. His name was Justin, however in the song I refer to him as ‘Dorian Gray’. I met him at a bar once, and as you’ll learn in the song, he really got to me. His form of flirting (by kissing me on the cheek and whispering in my ear ‘Maybe when you’re older’) really worked; He’s a jerk, but I’ll never forget how someone so vain (whom I had no intention of speaking to that night) ended up getting exactly what he wanted: attention from the only person in the bar who wasn’t drooling over him. I still find it ironic I ended up writing this song about him. Son-of-a-bitch. >:(

“About a Boy” – This is the most personal song I’ve ever written, and one of the easiest. It’s about someone I was very close to and how even though we’re not speaking anymore, after all we’ve been through, I’m happy for him and I hope he’s happy for me. I don’t think I’ve ever written a more honest song. It’s kind of funny that I wrote this song to a boy who won’t even talk to me. Initially, it was going to be a really bitter ex-boyfriend swan-song. But part of me has a lot of empathy for this boy; and even though he never liked my singing, I wrote this song to tell him I’m okay and I’m happy he is too; it was very therapeutic to get it out of my mind, since I couldn’t say it to him. The instrumental is very mellow with an acoustic guitar and some added soft-synths; and a great wind-sounding instrument. It’s definitely one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written.

“Something Not Breathing” – This song is also very personal. So personal that I actually wrote it to myself. It has a somber piano and me whispering to myself, and grows very aggressive with big drums and synths and of course me shouting at myself. I had a lot of depression from the past year-and-a-half, and I am still angry at myself for not asserting myself and being alive.

As you can see, the album has a lot of my conflicting feelings,
and that will be reflected in the album title and artwork.
I hope this gets some of you excited.

-Zaccy

I tweeted Amanda Palmer and told her I loved her, She tweeted me back and said she loved me too. She is my favorite female recording artist, so you have to understand that I took this simple tweet as a sign from the universe that everything is going to work out for me. (Yes, the universe used one of my greatest inspirations as a surrogate to speak to me through twitter.)

I’m slowly starting to look in the mirror and smile again, I’m happier than I’ve been at all this year.
There are so many things I want to do, and I am beginning to be able to do them.
I suppose the only thing I can agonize over right now is my non-existent sex life,
…but at least I’m in Love.

]]> http://zaccyonline.com/journal/im-alive/feed/ http://zaccyonline.com/journal/starving-artist-rents-a-room/ http://zaccyonline.com/journal/starving-artist-rents-a-room/#comments Fri, 20 Apr 2012 02:12:41 +0000 zaccy http://zaccyonline.com/?p=512

* Hiya. Well, the site has been under construction a lot lately & it is likely to continue for a while. I’ve uploaded my first couple of works into the Portfolio section of the site and I look forward to watching it grow. The reason I’ve put off my artwork and music for several months is because I’ve been in quite a depression and my current residency didn’t facilitate the necessary atmosphere for me to be creative. But, hopefully, that is all changing next week. :]

Circumstances have made it necessary for me to seek new, temporary, shelter. And, after a few days of scouting the woods for a fort or burrow not unlike that found in a Disney movie, I had decided I would look on the internet for a more traditional means of survival; which bring me to this evening, where I am packing up my belongings and getting ready to rent a room from a charming gay couple in a quiet neighborhood for an undisclosed amount of time.

I can’t express how excited, and somewhat terrified, I am. I’ve moved a lot in the past two years, so you’d think I’d be used to change. I might be disturbed, as I often daydream of being murdered and eaten by my future land-lords. Though, as I said, they are charming and I don’t think they will pursue getting any bloodshed on their lovely walls.

My bedroom is my favorite shade of mint.
I can’t convey to you how absolutely fabulous the color is.
You will see it soon.

So this is where I tell you I am struggling with bills…
I’m still only half-way through producing my album,
and haven’t yet begun to sell my artwork.
Hopefully I will be able to be self sufficient in the future.
But until then, there are various things I need/want (from food to sex toys)
that I have posted on my Amazon wishlist, which you can find here: Zaccy’s Amazon Wishlist.
I will be working like crazy for any coins I can come across,
but if you care to buy me a housewarming gift I would greatly appreciate it.

-Zaccy